Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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