I feel like I'm in dance class right now
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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