my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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