i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
