I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
