I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
