why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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