I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
