So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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