OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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