You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
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