Say something about gay babies.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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