Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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