so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
