Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
you had me at cake vodka
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
