i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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