i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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