There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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