I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
FUCK WHALES
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