I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
