I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
