"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
