Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
