Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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