I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Randomize
