i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
