I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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