i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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