I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
