I can feel you judging me through the phone.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
