recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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