he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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