I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
