Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
