What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
it hurts more in the daytime
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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