woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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