So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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