You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I got inside last night via doggy door
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
