not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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