I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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