I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Randomize
