you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
We are all done wearing pants today
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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