Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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