now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
