is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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