I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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