I'm really into asian looking animals
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
