you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
