I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
