Even the bartender felt bad for me
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
