and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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