I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
