1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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