How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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