I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
