you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
